I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize