well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
