In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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