Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
