I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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