I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
