This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
