Do you still have your period?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
