I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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