I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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