I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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