Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
