I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
People in love make me want to vomit
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i out mim tonsoeep
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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