I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
