I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
