i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
