My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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