drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
