I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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