god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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