Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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