final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
