i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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