I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
