We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
