you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
