i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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