Moan for me like Helen Keller
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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