after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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