I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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