I just saw a hot homeless man
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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