I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
