Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
