I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
