Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
