she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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