Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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