wrigley field is MILF paradise
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
