Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
