Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
