I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
