Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
