i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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