so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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