Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
