Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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