he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
