I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
