I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize