Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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