the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
