nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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