Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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