Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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