whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
